Lykke Li

My favourite song right now, wait till after the megaphone bit, it's savage.

Offensive Ice-Cream

He just looks really confused by the whole situation.....

Smoke Signals

I wish I smoked cigarettes. That’s obviously a stupid thing to say in this day and age, with the smoking ban coming into force in almost every western country, being led by our example. But I do, I wish I smoked.
I never took up smoking cigarettes, it always struck me as a terrible habit when I was younger, a waste of money that had no payoff, unlike smoking dope (you get a buzz), smoking opium (you get a record contract), or a flag (you get on the news) and all you get at the end of it all is increased risk of cancer and yellow teeth. For the purposes of this blog entry, let’s leave aside the physical implications of smoking, such as addiction or personal odour, instead, lets focus on the positives of smoking, the offsets for the above mentioned negatives.

1. Smoking is cool

It is, there’s no two ways around it; smoking is fucking cool. Obviously, unlike earthquakes or the risk of a terrorist attack, there’s no standard gauge on which cool can be measured. (if there was, it would probably be called the Fonzy scale). Due to the lack of measurable scientific facts, I have taken the liberty of providing is video to prove my point:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4mriENldAg
Exhibit A is a video of Josh Homme on Later…with Jools Holland playing with the Desert Sessions band, during the intro to the song, he lights up, and then proceeds to play a savage guitar solo while holding the cigarette in his hand. (This video is also an exhibit of why Josh Homme is the only guy I would sleep with, why youtube is brilliant and why there will always be music piracy…ARRR!)

2.Cool people smoke

This does not necessarily correlate with my first point but it is kind of a continuation, it is not simply smoking that made these people cool, it’s sort of a happy coincidence, but the fact that they smoke, makes them cooler and ads to their mystique. Of course it is possible to be cool and not smoke.
Every cool person I have ever met, I mean really cool, not your average “Do you know John?”, “Yeah he’s cool.” person, no, like top five coolest people of all time, cooler than a cheetah with a machinegun type of people, have smoked. Most of them chain smoked, some of them just sat around all day smoking and being cool. It is probably for this reason that they seem cool, otherwise they’d just sit around doing nothing.
Look at this picture, without the cigarette, James Dean would just be a dickhead in a hat:

Think of your favourite musician, poet, writer, historical figure, film star or co-worker, they probably smoke.
Here is a list of people who smoke:
Bob Dylan, Dylan Thomas, All of the Beatles, Stephen Fry, Tony Benn, Jesus, Barack Obama, Slash, Marlon Brando, The Stokes, Honza, Zim, Bob Marley, the guy who invented the plastic thing on the end of your shoelace…all of them.

Here is a list of people who don’t smoke:
Hitler.

There, I think I proved my point nicely.

3. Something to do

If I did smoke, I think I’d smoke rolling tobacco, it’s a hobby as well as an addiction, one that takes skill to prepare, rather like heroin. You have to sit down at a low, flat surface, prepare the ingredients, roll it carefully, and then light it, this would add an extra five minutes on to your smoking experience. I see it as a form of meditation, like the Japanese tea ritual. It would keep your fingers dexterous and your mind occupied, as well as being a more pleasant and (dare I say) healthier smoking experience. It’s also cheaper and people can’t bum one off you in the street, which is a happy bonus.
As I see it, smoking keeps you company, in the quiet moments, when you're alone, when you need to think.

4. Meeting like minded people

Since the introduction of the smoking ban, smokers have been forced out into the cold, forced to huddle together and pool resources. This is a gift as well as a curse, since you kind of have to talk to people if the two of you are standing outside a pub, they’ll usually be sound and interesting people (see point 2), you might even score one of them (see point 6).
Since I don’t smoke, I have been forced to stay inside, where the boring people are, I can’t count the number of times I have been stuck at a table in the pub with the boring stranger that someone bought and forced to make small talk while the rest of the group is outside smoking. The best parts of all my favourite pubs (the Blue Note, O’Connels, Roisin Dubh) are the smoking areas.

5. Smoking makes people appear more intelligent

If I’m having an argument with someone, or a deep philosophical discussion, I always wish I was holding a cigarette, especially if they are. It allows them to punctuate their points with a puff or the lighting of a new cigarette, even if they are talking complete balls, the rest of the room is forced to sit there in silence until they’ve finished with their point.

6. Smoking is sexy

This applies more to the fairer sex than to men like me, but it’s still a good point about smoking. Again, like coolness, there is no measurable scale for sexiness, so I’m forced to provide examples:

However, even with the six examples I have given, I just can’t take it up, I still think it’s for suckers, my brain just won’t let me, it doesn’t see a payoff. Besides, I can’t afford it. Maybe I’ll take up smoking a pipe.